Top Five Excuses That Would Get Marshawn Lynch Out of Trouble for Shoving a Ref
1. Thought referee was the American flag
2. Thought referee was the end zone, which must remain as far from him as possible
3. Vicious addiction causes uncontrollable fits of rage upon contact with non-Skittle colors
4. His enlightened racial tolerance means he doesn’t see black or white, and was just doing his usual shoving of random guys
5. He has a medical condition where if he communicates using actual words, he dies
Top Five Weird Adjustments the Packers Are Making to Deal with Hundley under Center
1. Mike McCarthy debuts new Packers offensive scheme called, “Exotic Nonstop End-Arounds”
2. Viewing window erected in sideline urination tent to show off Hundley’s 3-pound penis
3. New uniform design strongly resembles no-contact jerseys
4. Memo sent to shareholders assuring that their stock won’t plummet (because it was already worthless)
5. “Discount Double-Check” now refers to Hundley looking at Aaron Jones as his primary and secondary receiver
Top Five Reasons Vontaze Burfict Steps on Player’s Feet after the Whistle Blows
1. Psy-ops to convince opponents the field is made of lava
2. Thinks shoelaces are worms growing out of players’ feet
3. He is hoping someone will ask him why he did that, so he can reply, “for the thrill of victory, and the agony of the feet”
4. Desperately trying to make the term “football” a correct description of the game
5. Has upcoming gig on “Dancing with the Stars,” and damn if he’s not going to break that bitch Derek Hough
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